Thursday, September 30, 2010

Anointing vs. Ambition

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about anointing, and what God has anointed me to do in this life for His glory. I heard a message about it at Seven about a month ago, and it has sparked a lot of thought and contemplation and reflection. When I say “anointing,” I mean, “what God has blessed me with the talents to do that will bring them closer to Him.”

Upon first hearing that, I automatically think, “Well, God gave me the talent of singing. Maybe that’s what my anointing is, and I’m supposed to use that.” Then the speaker, Tim Ross, said something like “What you are talented at doing is not necessarily what you are anointed to do.” Well. Hmmm. That doesn’t mean that the obvious talents are NOT what God has anointed you with, but it did make me stop and think “Well, maybe I shouldn’t just default to the obvious – my singing abilities – but instead I should look deeper within myself and ask, ‘Is there something else God has anointed me to do?’”

Since I started performing in the community again back in 2009, several of the shows I’ve been a part of have been reviewed by theatre critics. I’ve only received a passing mention, if any, each time, and nothing notable or detailed about my singing. If I’m being honest, I’ve been disappointed each time that I haven’t gotten a more detailed review. I tell people that I’d “even take a bad review, as long as it was something I could use to improve and do better next time,” but I sit here now and wonder if that’s true. I wonder if I’m just disappointed that I’m not getting more critical acclaim.

I even find myself disappointed that I’m never asked to sing at the local weekly cabaret that happens in Dallas, either by someone already on the bill or to be a part of the bill. There’s a part of me that gets suddenly insecure and thinks I’m just not talented enough to hold my own in this town as a singer, but then recently I’ve stopped to reflect on this. I think it goes back to my most recent post about doing it all for my glory. Maybe God has kept me from getting public/published acclaim and praise for my abilities on purpose, so that I can’t just take off with it and forget that my talents are a blessing and not something I deserve. Which begs the question, then…

Is it possible that God’s anointing for me lies somewhere outside the obvious – outside the performing arts? Is it because I am not yet strong enough spiritually to be able to use my talents without going after my own personal glory? If so, is that something I can grow into? Because that’s something else Tim said in that message…sometimes we have to grow into our anointing. Even Jesus didn’t start doing the things God anointed him to do until he was 30 years old.

Having this break from performing lately and having it happen at the very same time that my husband is in rehearsals for another show has given me a LOT of alone time to think and question things. For one thing, I’m struggling with just being BORED and sick of being at my house every night. I don’t know if this is just because I’m unable to rest or if it’s because, thanks to my outgoing personality, I just don’t really thrive on having so much free time to myself. I don’t really like it.

Even though I have the ability and the time to get things done, work out, cook, keep my house clean, and go to bed at a decent hour…I’m actually worse at doing those things now than I am when I’ve got a full schedule. I think I’ve always worked better on a deadline, and part of me likes the stress and slight insanity of having to get things done in an allotted amount of time (within reason). So I have to try to find a balance of not overworking myself and having no time for myself, my husband and God (not in that order) but also not just being restless and stir-crazy with too much free time.

I guess I’m just feeling aimless right now and I’m not sure what’s next and what God has in store for me with my performing career/hobby – if He has anything in store for me there at all. It’s strange to not already have planned out the next several auditions and performance opportunities after such a crazy spring and summer. And if/when I do get into a show next, will I be able to be the kind of Christian example that will inspire people and not turn them away? Will I remember to give Him the glory? Will I sink back into hold habits and behaviors?

I’ve forgotten where I was going with this, and it’s turned into just word vomit. Must stop before it gets worse!

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